22nd December 2010

CHRISTMAS
UPDATE

 Issue No.  2010/32

 Sentient
              

 

Twelve days of Christmas – Community Singing
 
Effective immediately, the following should be adopted when the office or works fuddle resorts to Carol singing as a way to bring a cheerful and festive end to the run up to Christmas. When you get to the "Twelve Days of Christmas" you might take note that:
 
ONE - The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. In accordance with the new Carbon Foot print initiatives the tree is to be trans-planted so it continues to absorb CO2. Providing of course the planting does not block access and egress.  
 
Unfortunately, TWO turtle doves represents a surplus in the Dove department to the tune of One Dove. Furthermore, their romance during working hours could no longer be tolerated. One position is therefore eliminated. As an alternative to redundancy the selected Dove is to make up the third element of a 12 bird roast.
 
The THREE French hens will remain intact but have been “persuaded” to sign Working Time Opt-outs to facilitate a round the clock laying schedule in order to provide seasonal supplies. Strict food hygiene measures will be required.  Sam and Ella will be monitoring controls. Appropriate daily rest breaks will be required and we are reliably informed that at the end of each day the flap for the exit is a real scramble.  Groan. 
 
The FOUR calling birds based in the telesales dept will be replaced by an automated dialler system. Full call recording is in place with appropriate analysis to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Appropriate content in their contract of employment will of course permit this.
 
The FIVE golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors until a risk assessment can be carried out to determine what control measures need to be put in place to protect staff entrusted with valuables.
 
The SIX geese-a-laying is to be replaced by six geese-a-roasting as their egg laying capability merely duplicates that available from the French Hens (see above).
 
SEVEN swans-a-swimming – during their lunch break of course – represents a positive approach to employee well-being and is well known to help combat the effect of stress.   
 
As you may know, the EIGHT maids-a-milking have been campaigning for better conditions and now should be equipped with full outdoor warm and weather proof clothing. Manual Handling devices are to replace buckets on poles and as the Occupational Requirement no longer applies to this job, male applicants are to be encouraged.   
 
NINE ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out.  Requiring such activities in the work place is in direct contravention of the Dignity at Work policy.  
 
TEN Lords-a-leaping is quite frankly overkill. The high cost of Lords prompts us to suggest that they might be better engaged in overhauling our Health & Safety culture – oh, sorry they’ve done that one already!!!!!
 
ELEVEN pipers piping and TWELVE drummers drumming will only be able to perform after a full noise survey is undertaken and appropriate hearing protection issued to both musicians and audience alike.
 
However you celebrate the Christmas holiday, do have a thought for those less fortunate than yourselves, enjoy the break (if you get one) and have a great start to 2011 – from all at SENTIENT.

 


 

 

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